Friday, January 10, 2014

I just want everything to go back to normal...

If you would have told me 4.5 years ago that I would be watching my baby brother fight for his life, I never would have believed you. Yet here we are. I sit and watch my baby brother fight every single time I see him. He is so strong and has so much to fight for. He has a family who loves him so much and three nephews who look at him like he is Superman. How do I explain to them that he is sick and might not get better? How do I tell them that their uncle who is here for everything they do is fighting just to live? How? J asks me daily when his uncle AJ will feel better. They want to know where he is every weekend. Why he isn't here. How do I tell them that he's fighting cancer and is too sick to come spend the night? How do I tell them that he may never stay the night again? I don't have the answers because I don't know either.

He is here for everything. We take him with us on nearly all of our family trips. He comes for every birthday and is usually the last one to leave. Most of the time he just stays the night and we watch movies and eat junk food.

I hate seeing him this way. I hate seeing him crying out in pain and begging me to help him. I hate watching him lose more and more weight. It's tearing my heart into pieces. He is such a happy and energetic person. Seeing him laying in bed in so much pain that he's not even moving is heartbreaking.

Why him? Why AJ? Why one of the most amazing people I know? I don't understand why God feels like I can handle all of this. I don't understand how much pain and heartache one family can go through. I feel so lost and so helpless. I just want him to feel better. I want AJ back. The AJ who gives me shit every time I see him. The AJ who is so happy to see his nephews. The AJ who picks on my husband like he is his best friend. I want him back. I don't want his joy and happiness to be stolen from him at 18. I don't want him to be fighting for his life at 18. I just want normal back. I want AJ back. I am so terrified at the thought of losing him. I can't picture my life without him in it. It's not fair.

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